4.5 weeks:

We tried to wait until my moms birthday, the 5 week mark until telling our family and close friends but not surprisingly my husband and I couldn’t keep it to ourselves any longer.

To our credit, we lasted a whole day.

I took the test a few days ago, the morning after we got back from India. And while I knew the answer, there is something about seeing that plus sign that makes it REAL and so much more exciting!

So far, the most fun part has been telling our family and friends. Seeing and feeling their excitement sends a rush of love and gratitude through me and reminds me how lucky we are to be bringing a child into such a loving and supportive community.

Over all I am feeling good, and I can’t tell if what I am feeling is pregnancy symptoms or just being tired from jet lag. I have been doing my usual workouts, and while I do get short of breath and am not feeling my fittest, I hear that will pass once my body gets use to this little seed that is growing inside my body.  Emotionally I am way more sensitive. And this is new to me.  I don’t know why, but I have always been embarrassed about crying. And when I do cry in front of people, I try to suppress it and bury it. I am dealing with trying to be more open with it, which is hard but I think it is necessary and I am excited to have this opportunity and “excuse” to work on softening and opening up that side of me.

Since my last post, I have been thinking constantly about training, racing and being an athlete. And what I have come up with and have found the most peace with is simple: I am an athlete. And wether I am pregnant, sick, or get injured- that will never change.

My husband recently wrote an amazing blog that hit me in all the right spots at the right time. He states that “athlete is only a mindset.” In further discussions with him about this, he said that I make the choice to be an athlete and that I am my best competition. I will be changing more and more week to week, and even day to day. It does me no good to compare myself to other athletes or even pregnant women athletes, as we are ALL different. Sure I can get inspired by them, but in the end, it is me who I have to answer to.

My questions to myself will shift and change over the next several months. Instead of “did you give it 110%?” or “did you taste blood in your mouth?” It may be “did you push yourself to your max TODAY?” However, there are two questions that I will not change through out this whole pregnancy:

“Are you having fun?

and

“Does this bring you joy ?”

And if either of these answers are no or questionable, I will give it a bit more thought and sit with it. I have no time for anxiety. The A word is OUT.  This week I am pondering on whether or not I want to do a 2 hour mountain bike race next Sunday.

My thoughts are still unclear and jumbled when I think about entering it, but it is starting to calm down. I want to make sure that I can answer yes to the above questions – and that I am excited about doing it for the “right” reasons. My ego says to not do it because I am not feeling my best and I may not do that well. But then my inner athlete says: “May not do well compared to who!?”, “You are your own competition!”

Ahh, yes, that is right!

It’s time to eat my words, and to take my own advice. Luckily it is not a huge commitment. I can even sign up the day of the race, so I am going to see how this weekends race goes. If I have fun (which I probably will) and my hard training ride goes well, I will race BECAUSE It will be fun and because it will bring me joy and NO anxiety. And if I don’t race, I will try to not beat myself up about it because there is another emotion I am trying to avoid: Guilt.

What I am loving this week:

My meditation practice – I found a new app called Omvana, if you are intrigued by meditation or want to give it a try, I recommend it!

Being HOME – I love feeling grounded, getting into my daily routine and being amongst my tribe!

Chai – after being in India for the past two weeks, I have perfected the Indian way of doing Chai!!

Exercising – In the middle of the day I have been having little waves of nausea come on, getting outside and going on a run or bike ride helps a ton.