Time is a funny thing right now. Never have I felt like time is both standing still and speeding by like a freight train at the same time.
I have been wanting to sit down and write for some time now, but every time I do my words get stuck inside. So here I sit with a few minutes to myself before Jason and Max come back from their morning coffee time over at Dan and Deven’s and even though my words are still not wanting to come out… I am going to try.
It seems as though there is not one moment that goes by where I do not miss my Spirit B. Everything reminds me of him, of them together.
I keep imagining and dreaming of two. Two in the stroller on our walks, two waiting for me when I get home from my ride, two to dance with, two to feed, two looking up at me. Every once in a while I get a break and start to accept Spirit as he is now – wrapping his ethereal arms around Max, around Jason, around me…around us as a whole. He is in the wind on my face, in the twinkling early morning sunshine, in the hawk and the raven that visit me on my daily walks. He is in the animal mobile Max talks to every morning and night. But yet, I still feel empty inside.
And like I failed him. What if him going head down on Friday was a message to me to get induced instead of wait? Why was I so scared? Why didn’t I feel ready? Would he be here if I went ahead and did it?? Why isn’t he in my arms?
I cry every day for him, sometimes once. Sometimes for most of the day. I get angry at myself, at the world, at something more than us. It feels good to be able to do more than just walk. But at the same time it brings up a huge well of emotions. What once brought me nothing but release and joy, now brings me a melting pot of sadness, excitement, anger, gratefulness and grief.
And then there is little Magnus Maxwell, our boy who lifts our spirits day in and day out. His vibrant presence demands cooing, laughs, smiles, wonder and strength from both Jason and I. We love him so much and tell him stories about all of the places his brother has been and where we will take him someday. When I am at my best, I tell myself my favorite story – that Spirit B went head down that day to say good bye to his brother. He said: “Hey buddy, I hear them talking about all of the adventures they want to take us on and I think you all need a guardian angel looking after you.” “So you go on ahead and be with them in the physical world, and I will be here in the spiritual world watching over you guys.” I will be in the brightest stars, in the howling wind, in the rainbow after a hard rain, in the rushing rivers, and in the twinkling lights you see every morning through your bedroom window. I am here with you always.”
I hope to really, truly believe this story someday and to respect what he is now. Day by day, breath by breath is where I am at these days.