Wow, many things have happened since I last wrote. Break throughs, break downs, joyful days, and days where I felt like I was slogging through the deepest mud imaginable. I have lived life times in these last 4 and half months since my boys were delivered to our open and loving arms. My fiery, “push through”, and “just get stronger” attitude has been turned upside down on itself. Spirt B – that “Angel of Mercy”, he’s a funny fella. He has been teaching me many lessons. Every morning I take a moment, sometimes 5, sometimes 10 and I sit outside to say hello. He usually comes through in a gentle gust of wind, in a shift in the light, but mostly he comes in the form of a bird – flying by. “It’s not your fault Mama”,”take all the time you need” “forgive yourself, forgive me” are the kinds of messages he sends me in my meditations. I also, always ask him to come and wrap his arms around his brother every night and help him fall asleep. “You are loved, You are loved, You are loved” I tell Max. And then, like magic, Max smiles up at me and then falls asleep.
Being able to have the time and space to sit with my grief and pain has been beautiful. Being able to find the courage to share my thoughts no matter how bad or scary they sound has given me the strength to let pieces of those thoughts go. Holding anything negative these days feels toxic. Sitting with it, breathing through it and talking about it all has been the only path for me. Who and what has shown up for me has been amazing, and so right on.
I received a spiritual reading, a book called “Option B” (which I thought was very fitting), nourishing food, words of inspiration and hope, texts and messages that just say “I am with you” or “I saw Spirit B today”. So to all of you who surround us with your love and hold us with your strength and beauty – I say deeply “thank you”.
Tomorrow, Jason and I begin leading our Jedi teacher training that is all about finding your perceived limits and then pushing past them step by step. A few months ago I looked at this training and thought that there was no way I could guide, let alone stand in front of a group of people and teach. “I am in the deepest, darkest hole” “How in the hell am I supposed to teach people how to push past their walls when I am cowering behind one myself?” These were the questions I asked myself over and over again.
Over the past few weeks bit by bit, I have crawled closer to my limits. There has been days where I have slid all the way back down. But what I have learned is that I can get hit by the strongest wave and still get back up. It may not be pretty, but after getting knocked down so many times, I have learned to not fight it, but rather to open myself up to it – to feel all of it. To let the water rush inside me, to swirl around, to get it into all of the stuck places, the ugly places and then WOOOSH… let it go.
So, I may still not be ready to stand in front of a group of people as I very well may cry, stumble on my words or have to take breaks. But, that is ok because now I know that I DO have a thing or two to offer them about leaning into their discomforts and limits.