As the wheels drop down from the airplane and we begin our descent into Bend, I look over at Jason and Max looking out the window. They are waving to Spirit and telling him that we are home. Max says “home, home, home” over and over it again and if you didn’t know his words or signs, you might think that he is saying “Om”.
These simple, beautiful and vibrant moments full of depth, they stop me instantly in my flow of thoughts and movement and demand me to slow down. This is the ultimate gift from both of my boys. Before they came into our lives, I remember a Chelsey that jumped from one thing to the next, often before the project that I was in was even done. And of course, when Max is around, he demands my full attention with very little time to think about anything else. To watch him grow and learn is an absolute blast and blessing. And even still, when I am away from him working on a project or in the middle of a training, I find myself stopping to say hello to Spirit when I feel a sudden change in the wind, or see a song bird outside my window or even get a feeling that he is around. These moments of being fully present now take up the majority of my day where as before they were few and far between.
The other day, I was doing hill repeats on a butte near our home. When I got to the top, I knew that I had to keep my heart rate at a certain point, but I was being called to go and sit over at what we call the “Spirit” bench. It is a bench that looks over towards our house and I would sit on it every week during my pregnancy and dream about all the adventures we would go on together. After the boys were born, I went up there once to sit and spread some of Spirit’s ashes, but I hadn’t gone up there since, even though I had been up there many times. However, on this day, he was saying “Mama, go sit, go sit.” And so I did. As I sat down and closed my eyes, I was prepared for the tears, and the flood of memories, in fact I asked for it. However, it did not come. Instead an overwhelming feeling of peace and lightness came over me. “Thank you Spirit, I love you” I whispered. As I opened my eyes, there was a swarm of lady bugs all around me! A few landed on me and I remembered always being told as a little girl that they were a sign of good luck. When I got home I looked up what the lady bugs meant, and I read that they were also a sign to let your worries go to let new happiness come in.
Spirit is a funny, funny boy. He has heard and felt me worry over some things lately, things that I even called to him on for advice. And on this day, in that moment I felt him smiling all around me in a swarm of lady bugs. Since then, my 3 am restlessness has gone away, and I am reminded once again to keep taking time for ALL the moments for these are what this life is all about.
Thank you Max, Spirit B and Jason for your love and endless moments of beauty.
I love you, I love you, I love you