So far this pregnancy has flown by. The first couple weeks of my pregnancy saw me in awe of it all. How it all began was like something out of a story book. And now many weeks later, I am already half way through it all.
This realization actually hit me hard this last week. I had just gotten back from our long stint in New Zealand where I was into an awesome rhythm. Breakfast, Kindy (Kiwi for kindergarten), adventuring, writing, swimming and loads of time looking out over the lake pondering life and watching Max throw countless rocks into the water. Our days were full from sun rise to sunset.
Max taught me so much over the last few months: How fun and satisfactory the sound of the rocks hitting the water is, how to dig deep into my imagination and most importantly how to play in my surroundings no matter what they are. Before we left I made a conscious choice to keep this with me and not to get overwhelmed when we touched down in the US. However – as soon as I got home – stress came! Even though we were immediately swallowed up with love from our family and friends, I could feel my anxiety rise.
I tried to hide it, I did my yoga and my breathing, but it would still wake me up in the middle of the night. I knew something had to give, but I didn’t know what. Everything was planned and in place. My doctor could visibly tell how overwhelmed I was and asked me to make a change. “What can you let go of so that you can focus more on growing your little baby.” It was just the wake up call that I needed.
I don’t remember the last event that we had to cancel, but after coming home from that appointment, Jason and I had a big talk and decided to cancel as many of our summer events as possible. Instead we made a plan to really enjoy the final few as a family of three as we get ready to welcome “lil C”. We made a pact to only say yes to what felt good and to have the courage to say no to what made us anxious.
Since our talk, we have had to say no to some really amazing events – including skipping the Telluride Yoga Festival for the first time in 10 years, and postponing our Bend Acro Mastermind Teacher Training.
It was very scary to do so at first, but then the coolest thing started to happen – a wave of ease and space opened up all around me. My health felt like it changed over night. I am sleeping through the night and have so much more energy. It feels good and necessary to take this time for myself and for our family – to be more present with Max, to be more aware of what Lil C needs, to stay connected with Spirit B (who is coming out more and more!), to spend time with Jason and to take the time to listen to what I need.
Although my experience with losing Spirit B was very different than this, I always find myself going back to how we continue to deal with it. He taught us the art of paring life down to its essentials and to put it bluntly – how to budget our fucks. I am thinking that Lil C and Spirit B got together to send me a little reminder.
Here’s a little poem that I read the other night that melted my heart and made me think of Spirt B.
“I still remember the day
the world took you back & kept you for her own &
there was never a time to thank you for the
thousand scattered moments you left behind
to watch us while we slept. ” – the Story People
20 weeks update:
Me: I am feeling much better and bigger! I am past the point of looking like I drank to much beer which is nice. I am swimming 3 times a week (I joined the local swim team and am probably the 2nd or 3rd slowest!), I am rock climbing 3 times a week and lifting, doing yoga and walking every day. I had to bid farewell to running, but am excited to start biking more and more. As far as Acro goes, handstands still feel great, but any acro transitions are feeling a little awkward, so we have taken a break.
Cravings: eggs and meat
Lil C: We actually found out what Lil C was at 9 weeks, but didn’t really think or feel the need to tell many people as it was nice to have it between us for a while. Lil C is a boy, and is looking very healthy. We are over the moon, and Max is excited to have a little brother:)