It’s crazy and not so crazy to think that I am at 33 weeks. Like people say with kids, the time goes by both fast and slow. Some days are easier than others. In fact there are many days where I wake up and forget that I am pregnant, until I look in the mirror, or try to bend over. Then there are days where an hour after I wake up, I am already day dreaming about when I get to go back to bed again.
Mostly, as my time with this belly draws to a close and the meeting of this baby on the outside draws ever nearer, I am faced with a mix of emotions: excited to meet our little C or as Max calls him “baby lion” and anxious as flash backs from Spirit B and Max’s birth come flooding back in.
Spirit B assures me that he is near and helping out and that Lil C is as healthy as ever. And Lil C reminds me of his presence all the time with his constant wiggling, but there are still times that I wake up gasping for air and in a pool of sweat.
When I first became pregnant, I had a feeling that as I got closer to the end, my anxiety and PTSD would show back up. No matter how much I prepared for the waves to come, they still seem to hit me out of nowhere. Luckily, I have my meditation, my breathing and most importantly Max and Jason to lean on during those times. And while they don’t always understand what I am going through, they are still always there, which is exactly what I need most of the time.
As I start to slow down and turn in more and more, I am made aware of how important it is to be present with every moment. From going in to get my cuddly little boy after a long sleep, to watering the flowers, to riding my bike to the pool, to taking a full breath in to my already full and wiggly belly, I am tuning in to the mix of beauty, challenges and excitement that each moment holds.
And when I lose the ability to stay present, I reach for this poem by Wendell Berry. What do you read or do when you need to get back to the present moment?
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For the time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
What I am loving: I am really enjoying my morning yoga, breakfast and coffee time. Luckily Max and Jason like to sleep in, so I get up to a full hour (and sometimes two!) to myself to wake up slow and move into my day at my own pace. I am also still really liking swimming, I have been going to practice at the pool every other day and we go to a different lake once a week so I can get a good distance swim in.
What I am not liking so much: I am not really enjoying how often I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee. And as much as I try to be patient with myself when my energy drops, because after all I am growing a human, it is hard not to get frustrated at my new level of tiredness.
Lil C: Lil C is moving like he is in a dance party, which I love, because it is reassuring and because it is the biggest thing that I am going to miss about pregnancy. I don’t know how much he weighs, or how long he is these days, but he feels quite big to me!