Several people have recently asked me this question, prompting me to share the reason behind our twice-a-year month long family birthday celebration. While Jason and I did start this tradition before we had kids, it made sense because we were both born in Aug, so why not take the whole month off?? Then with kids on board, it just made sense, especially how I learned how to both celebrate and honor both Spirit B and Max.
January marks Max’s birthday month and B’s passing, as both he and Spirit B were born on January 18th. Many of you may already be familiar with our story, documented in this very blog, a podcast, and a compelling award winning documentary entitled With Spirt. I’ll leave the links here for you to explore at your own pace or revisit my posts (just scroll back!) for the detailed narrative.
In essence, January was the month I anticipated delivering our twin boys seven years ago. From January 1st, the excitement and nervousness were palpable as my doctors informed me that labor could commence any day. Each night, my imagination ran wild, picturing us caring for our two little boys beside a roaring fire. We prepared diligently, ensuring our car could navigate the snowy driveway and streets, and my hospital bag was packed and ready by the front door.
Trips to the hospital for check-ups were routine (3 times a week!) until January 16th, Spirit B’s day. During a regular check-up at 39 weeks, I discovered that “B” had left his body. With no time or bandwidth for explanations, I was immediately induced, beginning the labor to birth both Max (then known as “A”) and Spirit B on January 18th at 7:06 and 7:08 am via an emergency C section, because Max’s heartbeat was becoming irregular.
Max emerged pink and screaming, while Spirit B arrived purple and silent. Celebrating Max’s birth alongside mourning Spirit B’s death was an intense and indescribable experience, filled with grief, sadness, fatigue, confusion, guilt, and anxiety. Balancing the weight of unimaginable sadness and happiness, especially on Max’s birthday, posed a challenging question for me.
Over the years, I’ve gradually found answers, though this remains a difficult period, stirring conflicting emotions. I’ve processed a great deal, and I take pride in our family’s resilience. Our way of honoring both Max and Spirit involves designating a Birthday month, with “Spirit B” day followed by Max’s birthday two days later. The space between the two boys and the range of emotions allows us to celebrate, be grateful, and process our experiences. It serves as a reminder of our family’s journey, emphasizing that life and togetherness are not guaranteed, and everything is possible in both darkness and light.
Having Spirit B day provides a dedicated day to feel and express all the emotions, contributing to the healing process. This month helps us celebrate Max’s incredible personality and Spirit B’s meaningful role in our lives, including revealing Revel’s presence in my belly and naming him.
Now that Max is 7 and navigating more complex feelings, the Birthday month approach also helps us focus on family experiences throughout the month, reducing expectations for his birthday party “being perfect” because “we get all month to celebrate!”. It also alleviates stress for us parents, allowing us to provide love and gifts gradually rather than getting it all done in time for one day.
For Revel, Jason, and myself, all born in August, we have continued our same celebration strategy. Like before August becomes a month of festivities, where we take time off to focus on shared family experiences. Now we just throw one significant party closer to Revel’s birthday, his spotlight is gladly larger than ours but it still creates a harmonious celebration for all!
Feel free to adopt and adapt! I am sure we will be adapting this year to year as we all grow and change.
