Two weeks ago I did not think that I would have the strength or the ability to ever write, look at a computer screen or do anything other than feed Magnus and make myself eat and drink water.
I kept trying to write, as that has always brought me a bit of release in the past, but whenever I would try I would go numb. Instead of words, I had tears.
And I still have tears. There hasn’t been a day where I have not cried. But I wanted to start the process of getting words to paper. Jason and I have a journal between us that I have been writing in everyday – to him, to Spirit B and to Magnus. Some days its barely readable, and sometimes all I can get out is a drawing of something that I saw that day that brought me peace or even sadness. What ever comes, is what I let out. And I believe it is helping me.
I have never been one for letting things fester inside me. There were a few days where I did try. When my brother, sister and mom came for a visit I tried hard to seem strong, to not let my tears well, and to be as “normal” as possible. But that did not last. Eventually I broke, and let the tears roll. And it felt good.
Now, I just let them come when ever they need to. There is no benefit in holding them back. So when I start going out in public more, when we start teaching again and when I start frequenting all the places I used to I am prepared to let the tears come.
My therapist says this is normal, and healthy. She says to let the waves come in and wash over me. To sit inside the storm and let myself feel the many emotions.
I have been slowly starting to embrace it all – the sadness, the joy, the emptiness, the gratefulness, the numbness, the happy bits and even the sudden waves of anger where I want to punch the sky, beat my chest and scream WHY!!!! at the top of my lungs.
And when I can’t take it anymore, and when the spaces between the heavy waves of memories, fear, heartache and blame are so small that I can’t come up for air – I reach out for Jason’s hand and ask “Where do I go now?”
“Through babe…hold on tight and lets go through. Through the pain, through the fear, through every feeling that comes up.”
Then I look into Magnus’s eyes and see how much love, strength and lightness he holds in his tiny beautiful soul and how we are blessed to have a little Spirit looking out for us, and sending us so much love everyday.
And so I take a breath, close my eyes, and let it all roll over me.