Sickness, Sadness and Sweetness.. my first trimester

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Ever since Spirit told me I was growing his and Max’s little brother or sister in my belly we have been on a whirlwind. Up until now, It has felt like when one storm settled, another one rolled in right behind it. Since I didn’t have time for much else besides tending to Max, teaching, packing and traveling (with a few much needed adventures in between) below is a recap of my pregnancy weeks up until now.

At 5 weeks, right after we got back from 3 days of teaching advanced acrobatics and a week after the Patagonia Race,  Max got really sick and had to go to the hospital, and then right as he was getting better, I got what he had plus a nasty sinus infection that lasted for two weeks. It felt like my eyes were being drilled out by a tiny troll that had taken up residency inside my head.

At 7 weeks the sinus infection finally started to clear, just in time for me to teach another advanced acrobatic weekend. Lux and Jason took good care of me, and thankfully Oma and Opa came along to take care of Max while we taught and got to play with so many amazing acrobats from all over.

At 8 weeks, nausea came on in full force. I craved eggs and meat. Sugar made me want to puke, but at least my head was not pounding any more. The only thing that helped the nausea was eating and moving, so that is what I did. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was either munching on something, running or sleeping.  Jason, myself and Lux also taught our last AcroGasm together of the tour in SanDiego. It was fun to have a little working get away before Jason and I were slated to pack and tie up all of our loose ends before jetting off to NZ for 2 months.

At 9 weeks the emotional storm clouds rolled in. Max and Spirit’s birthday triggered it, and while I thought I was prepared, I was not even close.  This time around the depression ran deeper than usual and hung around for a while like an old friend.  Unfortunately it took me and Jason many days to become aware of it because it would come up unexpectedly and sometimes it would even be camouflaged by another emotion.  Jason took the brunt of it, like most people who are closest to the distraught do. Everything he did made me angry and sad.  It wasn’t until we landed in New Zealand, on Max’s actual birthday that I figured out what was going on.  I was trying to be ok, when actually I was not.  “It has only been 2 years babe” Jason said, on our layover in the grass at the Auckland airport. “Be sad, be angry.” “Just let yourself be.” Even just becoming aware and voicing my sadness seemed to start the process of “airing it out”.  With in a few days, I started to feel a deep shift. I started to let some of my walls down and give in to letting more of my feelings out.

At 10 weeks, with the depression and emotions still going up and down like a yoyo, but the physical body feeling better, I decided to go out and do a 24 hour “race” with Andy, Jason’s twin brother in the beautiful NZ wilderness.  Going out and immersing myself in nature in an extreme way has always helped me let go of unwanted thoughts and emotions. And, it is a place where I feel most connected with Spirit B. So 2 days after we landed in NZ, I headed out in the pouring rain up a raging river with Andy. Not even 8 hours in, I knew that it was to much for me. My physical body was slower than I had wanted and my emotional energy was depleted. Andy and I made a compromise to walk out after a river he had been excited to raft down. 24 hours later, after a beautiful river, a lake paddle, many amazing trekking kms and loads of talks with Spirit B, we got picked up and I was delivered to my loving husband, a hot bowl of soup and cuddly son. “No more Magness epics for me for at least a year”  I said when Jason asked me how it went. “How was Spirit?” he asked. “He set me straight” I said.

After a good night’s rest, I woke up feeling reset and recharged. Spirit B had indeed helped me release some unneeded weights and I was yet again reminded of one of my favorite Spirit B perspectives and mantras:

Let the waves roll in and crash over top of you

let the wind beat you down

let the rain seep deep into your bones

let the sun warm your inner most creases

for this is your story – make it worth while 

fill it with passion, high highs and deep sorrow 

Keep riding these waves … and learning from them time after time .. after time

As just because time has passed since our world was rocked, doesn’t mean that I can’t still be sad from time to time. Instead, it is how I deal with it and react to it that CAN change over time.

At 11 weeks our Acro Mastermind Teacher Training started. 21 people from all over the world traveled to beautiful Te Anau to study with us. My heart was instantly full of gratitude and excitement which in turn helped mend the small rift that had started so many weeks ago between Jason and I.  Working intensely with Jason on a project is something that always brings us closer together, so seeing another teacher training come to fruition in a place that we love was exciting for us. For 13 days we dove in deep with our teachers in acrobatics, communication, relationships and adventure.

Max started “Kindy”  here, and loves it. He is growing every day and I find myself stepping back many times just to watch him in a state of wonder. He is picking up new words, new “tricks” and sayings everyday.  The other night on our nightly walk, he started walking away and said “See ya later Mama”.  It blows my mind that he was once in my belly. Now every night before bed, in addition to saying goodnight to Spirit B, Max kisses my belly and says “night, night baby”.

At 13 weeks I am feeling full, at ease and ready for the next couple of weeks. Our TT is over, but we of course have many more projects going on. Physically I am feeling quite good, I am still battling a little bit of nausea here and there, but I can sense it is on its way out. My bump is growing at a rate I don’t remember, but I suppose this time around, my belly is ready to expand at a quicker rate. Running, biking, swimming, paddling, climbing and acrobatics has all been feeling great and I try to do at least one of these things everyday. My goal by next week is to swim out to a buoy (in the middle of the lake here) and back, as swimming in open water has always been a challenge for me.  Emotionally, I am feeling very calm and ready to start tuning into this being growing in my belly.

Lil C (what we call this baby) is attracting loads of bumble bees. Everyday I get at least one that lands on me and does not want to come off.  I am hoping it is a sign of how sweet this little one is:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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