For the past couple of weeks I have been digging deep. I have been going places that make me catch my breath and makes my heart skip a beat. I have been looking at photos of my pregnancy, the day I met the hawk, and pictures of Max and Spirit B inside and outside of the womb. I have been going to some scary dark places inside, and instead of running, I have been learning to breath deep and sit with the darkness daily. I am telling the darkness that I am not afraid of it, in fact, I tell it, thank you. For with out you, I could never see how bright and beautiful the light is.
A big part of why I have been doing this has been to get ready to TELL my story, in MY VOICE (eeek!) on one of my favorite podcasts: The Dirt Bag Diaries.
The process of writing out my story, going back and forth with the editor, answering questions and having to go to places that I never wanted to visit again has been like slowly peeling off a scab of a half healed wound. When parts of the story that were important to me ended up on the cutting room floor, I didn’t know what to feel. What came up was not always pretty. I struggled to make sense of all the emotions and reactions. And there were and still are many days where the only thing that calms me down is running or riding on an open unknown dirt road that climbs, and climbs and climbs. The other day I was doing just that, climbing up a road, sweating and breathing hard when it started to pour, and then I smelt an intense fire smell. I was surrounded by a smoldering forest from a recent controlled burn. I was soaked to the bone, yet burning up at the same time – just like my surroundings. This is exactly me! I thought. No matter what rivers, waves and holes I encounter, I will always have a burning fire deep inside me.
When the time finally came to speak my story out loud, I was extremely nervous. However, on recording day, I felt calm and ready for the wave that was bound to break for I knew that my fire, though tame and smoldering was still there. On the first take I couldn’t get through the very last paragraph because of hyperventilation and an unexpected flood of tears. But then after a few deep breaths, I felt lighter and like something had released. Before starting the next take, I felt a deep peace and calm come over me. “Ok. Let’s do this” I said.
And today it comes out (link) I am not ready to listen to it, but I hope that some of you will. Because I would never have been able to get to this point in my healing and my sharing without the amazing support all of my friends. My family. My Husband. And my Boys.
So to my friends, family and husband – this is for you. And to Max and Spirit B – this is your story as much as mine. I love you both.
Thank you to everyone at Dirtbag Diaries for giving me this opportunity to revisit these scary territories with a new perspective. Thank you to Jason, my husband and partner for being so loving, so patient with me in my crazy states and for being just so damn amazing in every single way. Thank you to Max for choosing us as your family, you are my bright beacon of light and are an incredible, playful, sweet and compassionate boy and thank you Spirit B for all of your gifts of both the light and the dark and for setting me on this path of mystery, magic and wonder.