As I head into my last few weeks of being pregnant I am working on letting go of what is not serving me. It is a constant practice for me to set boundaries, and to know when to ask for what I need and to learn when to let things go. Once again I have Spirit B to thank: there was no room for anything else but this when the boys were born.
When I became a mother, I was forced to look at both death and life at the same time. I held them both, one on my left and one on my right. There was no looking away, and no covering it up. For a very, very long time I hated and blamed myself for all of it. Then with time (and many of my closest friends and families support), I started to process it. While I would never say I am “over it”, I feel at peace with Spirit’s passing, and more often than not I am grateful for the beauty and growth in our story.
As I look down the barrel at another birth ahead of me, I am starting to feel weirdly very calm and ready. I feel like the layers of anxiety and stress are finally starting to slough off of my body. I know what kind of birth I would love to have, and while I have been working hard to let go of my past experience through meditations and visualizations, I am not attached to this ideal birth. Rather, I am curious about how Lil C will make his debut, and how I will react to it. Jason has been reading up and meditating on ways to help me during the birth. The other night he came to me with a beautiful metaphor that has stuck with me:
I can’t quote him, but it was something to this effect: “The people who die gracefully and with the least amount of pain are those that let go of their bodies when it is time and are ready for the next phase. Those that hold on or fight can die with much more struggle and stress. Birth is like dying in a way. If you let yourself go and open up to the new mother and baby that you are birthing, then birth could be easeful (even if there is real pain).”
36 weeks and a bit update:
What I am loving:
At 36 weeks, I am loving feeling Lil C make BIG movements in my belly. I know that I will not be feeling this perhaps ever again, so I am really trying to savor all these quiet moments that are just for the two of us. I am loving my time with Max, he is the sweetest, wildest little guy there is and is always asking for the baby to “come out.” I am loving swimming, my yoga sessions and my pt/weight lifting program. Moving in this way feels so good and I am grateful for that, as I know many Mama’s do not feel this way this far in.
What I am not loving:
I am not enjoying eating as much as I thought I would. I am constantly hungry and thirsty, but am never able to make up my mind on what I want to eat, so I find myself just not eating, which then makes me hangry. It is a bad loop that I am working on changing. I am still not liking the constant need to pee, It is beyond annoying at this point.
I got to take a look at Lil C a few weeks ago. At the time he was 5 and half pounds which is already bigger than Max and Spirit B were! It makes me a little nervous, but I am glad he is growing. Just don’t get to big dude:)
Ways to help:
As we get closer, I am getting more and more questions about ways people can help when Lil C is born! We are not having a baby shower this time around, as I did keep a lot of stuff like clothes and a few key new baby pieces from Max, but for those that like to give – I did make a little online wish list, you can view it here – As lets face it, we could always use diapers!
We are also doing a Meal Train, this was a LIFE SAVOR for Jason and I when the boys were born, people from all over sent us gift certificates and money for groceries and local people brought us the most amazing meals. Here is the link for that if you are interested: https://mealtrain.com/646468 *The dates on this may change if Lil C decides to come early.
But really and truly: your good thoughts and loving vibes are all that we really need!