We define “the reintegration period” as the transition time when you or your partner return home after a trip, race or any time away from the family/home life. The longer or more profound the trip, the harder reintegration can be. Before we had kids, we never faced issues with this because we were always together and experienced everything as a unit. However, over the past eight years, we’ve learned a lot about this delicate time. While we’re not yet masters, we’ve significantly improved after many years of failing and succeeding at making this time more easeful.
Initially, we didn’t even know what this period was; we just knew it was difficult. Jason or I would come home exhausted and happy after a big race, each with our own expectations for the first few days at home. Meanwhile, the partner who stayed home, handling kids and logistics, would be equally exhausted and eager to hand off parenting duties. This mismatch often led to hurt feelings, unmanageable expectations, and extremely unproductive arguments. Once we identified and labeled this time period, it became easier to manage because we could separate it completely from our relationship and avoid blaming each other. Instead, we could discuss it, plan for it, and experiment with different ways to reintegrate.
I’ve heard from several couples that they face similar challenges, so I’ve decided to share some of our tips in hopes they might help others. Plus, having this written down helps us too!
Check-In Before Reuniting
Reflect on your feelings and needs a day or two before reuniting and then communicate them to your partner. This sets both of you up for success because you’ll understand each other’s state of mind before you physically see eachother. For example, after a week of solo parenting, Jason is usually mentally and emotionally drained but physically ready to hit the trails. On the other hand, I’m often physically exhausted from a week of racing but emotionally fulfilled from having time to myself. By sharing our emotional, mental, and physical states with each other, we can plan our reentry more effectively and have empathy and compassion for the other person.
Set Up a Plan
Establishing a reentry plan beforehand has been very beneficial. Knowing each other’s needs and expectations allows us to communicate clearly about what we can and cannot do. Generally, the returning partner gets one or two days to just “be” and gradually enter the family flow without any immediate responsibilities. This is especially important because the returning partner is usually sleep-deprived and needs a gentle reentry before taking on parenting tasks. While sometimes we have to jump right in, we try to give each other this time whenever possible.
Make Physical Connection a Priority
I know, this one sounds crazy because of course you want to hug and kiss (and do alot more to) each other but for many parents that are coming home to a full house of kids, to do’s and more it can get pushed way down on the priority list. Throw in a few triggering comments (especially if you have not set up the plan) and the urge to touch each other goes down pretty quickly. However, if you set it up so that you have a planned date to have physical touch and intentional connection, and to be blunt I’m talking about sex here – everything and I really mean EVERYTHING becomes so much easier. So trust me. Make it so one of the very first things you do with one another is have sex, as soon as you can.
Give Each Other Space Without Judgment
During the first week together, we try to give each other plenty of space to do what we need to do and avoid making many plans. This time allows us to unpack, ground ourselves, and get back into a rhythm. When we haven’t given each other enough space, it often leads to arguments and stress. Though it’s not always possible, we strive to keep things light and flexible.
Focus on the Positive
When Jason is away, I miss him and think about all the wonderful things I want to tell him. But once he’s home, I sometimes forget these positive thoughts and instead focus on annoyances. It’s natural for your brain to gravitate toward the negative, especially when you’re tired and adjusting to having your partner back. I’ve learned to recognize this pattern and make a conscious effort to focus on the positive traits and moments I missed about him. I also give myself grace for failing at this and encourage him to gently remind me about how much I missed him!
Be Realistic With Expectations
This advice is mainly for parents but can apply to anyone. When I return home, I often dream of coming back to a clean house and a happy family. While I usually get the happy family, the clean house is rare. I’ve learned to lower my expectations and appreciate the joy of reuniting with my happy and healthy loved ones. It’s okay to dream big, but be prepared for a bit of chaos. Your kids might be up past their bedtime, and the house might be messy, but they’ll be excited to share their adventures with you, and really that is all that matters.
I hope these tips help you navigate the reintegration period with more ease and understanding. Feel free to revisit this advice whenever you need a reminder and please- send me your tips!!
And for those who want to know more about how Jason and I met, we just published a podcast last week (it was our 13 year wedding Anniversary!) listen to it here: BendRacing Podcast.